Growing Up

School has been wrapped up.Even not entirely. Half of me is still listing out the works I've not completed and another half is completely trying to get some rest and breath.

This year has marked a lot of life events.Big or small.

Stepped out of my comfort zones.

Tried out new things.

Making new friends and created boundaries too.

And looking ahead...I can visualize countless decisions I'm trying to avoid but getting towards it because the clock keeps on ticking and the calendar never stop flipping, I know I will have to decide one day.

This or that. Or perhaps none listed as answers or choices. Wallahua'lam.

I hope, Allah will guide my steps and my heart. To decide on what's best.

And may the journey make me more humble as a person and this is one thing I really hope for.

Never to feel like I have something extra that others do not have because everything is from Him. Also, not to feel like I lack something just because others have it because Allah knows what's best for me, which I might be completely clueless about it.

I've been meaning to write but knowing that I can write here smoothly compared to when I try to focus on my assignment stopped me every time.

And growing up too, I've realised that individuals are different and not all are listeners.

And also, not all are able to resolve things alone.Some need human to mediate things for them.Some might get better just to let it out and channel it to anything, as long as the feelings flow out of their mind and heart.

Never get burdened with the thoughts that you've problems. Because everything is temporary.

If you think you are listener, lend your shoulders to those whom might be needing yours.

You can solve yours on your own if you're listeners. :)

My heart is heavy. Yet I don't know the reasons still.

This is a therapy.

Insecurity

Life has been moving fast
Really fast
There were times I couldn't catch up
But somehow I have to hold on tight

Raya was great...but not everything was pleasant when I'm at my age and still single.

I honestly have fun doing what I'm doing...studying and learning new stuff.Not that marriage is not in the list but really, I would love to take it as it will be there when the right time and the right person according to His plan appear.

But,expressing this to many will shove me off to the corner...'masyaAllah' sister...why are you having such thought.

Marriage should be your biggest concern.*facepalm*

I know...I know.But I shouldn't rant my problems to the rest of the world to know...nor do I want them to know.

Sometimes talking to human is very tiring too.I'll have a special post for this one.

Being single in the society has been linked to negative personalities...the reasons why guys rejected you are the reasons for you being single up to the very moment.

Smirk.

Even a few told me off.I rather change myself..open up for guys and be more 'approachable'.In what manner...let just leave it there.

I've seen many.

Married and divorced.
Happy and suffered.
Kids are loved and many are neglected.

The riots of everyone should get married...and the latter is to produce babies without actually realizing their responsibilities as husband and wife...or father and mother have shattered the society.

Just come to my school and stay for half an hour in the class.

Before you burst and curse the kids...stop and think.Their behaviours are the product of training by the adult a.k.a parents and surrounding.

You.Us.Ruined them.

For those planning to get married.
Get your acts right.

May the new beginning sets for better future for the generation.

Hidup ada tanggungjawab.

Married or single.

Human or robot.

Everything is created for a purpose.

Ain't they?

Solace

It has been a while
To make an excuse not to write anything here because of my busy schedule seems like just an invalid excuse I will use for countless times in the future

Approaching this age, often the conversation made among the single ladies would be on 'We have got to get a life'...and this is what people of middle age would start concerning most of the time.

When fame or people recognition became less significant for them.

When they start to be true to themselves.

Living our life for a purpose, and to have this sense of purpose we need to clarify what is meaningful to us.

That.

Living with authenticity, self-mastery, relationships, growth and meaning.

Authenticity is when you can be honest with first, yourself before others.

"By aligning your outer behaviour with your inner truth, life will flow in a direction that is meaningful to you. You will not spend energy on denial, survival, or suppression, but you will gain energy from insight, evolution, and expression...from being authentic...the pieces all seem to fit,everything clicks."

Self-mastery...being responsible and competent.

A pluspoint yet most of the independent ladies out there have been struggling with. For high self-esteem and inner peace we must know at our core that we are 'enough' just the way we are...and all by ourselves.Ones should be able to understand that crisis is unavoidable but what is more important is how do they respond to it, and that makes a major difference between people with self-mastery and those without them.

Most of my single-independent girlfriends are capable of surviving on their own, to the point others condemned us for being too independent and scared the guys out of their wits. Although people with a strong-sense of self mastery appeared to prefer handling things on their own and do things their way. That doesn't mean they want to be alone, but rather they are not afraid to be alone.

Absurd in the rational thinking of mine, I would have preferred an independent woman knowing that they have the ability to manage a family not everyone is capable for.

Oh well, that still cannot explain the complexity of man's simple minded kononnya.

...............................................................................................................................................................

Anyways, saying these two out of five aspects because I think I need to first, work on living authentically. I should stop looking at all possible consequences of my actions because taking into consideration everyone's reaction is not something that I could handle and it worn me out.

I have come to realize that by living authentically, I should have a clear sense of purpose for my actions and being responsible for the action made by willing to accept all consequences afterwards. There is no way I could get positive feedback for everything, hence accepting them would be more realistic and help me grow as a person.

Till next time.

130517

Cah...

Dah kau kenapa muka macam tak makan seminggu?

Kurang asam budak kecik ni.Gaya tak sayang gigi.

Lah..betul la.spill.kenapa?

Letih.

Malam ni ade usrah ke?

Yerpppp.same place.same time.konvoi macam selalu.akak tunggu.

....

Aku rasa tak sempat.esok nak kena observe.lesson plan entah ke mana.teaching aids lagi.file gedabak tu aku tak belek lagi.

Dahtu?

err..aku skip usrah...kali ni jer.

******************************************************

I think this thought crossed my mind several times throughout the hectic year.

Instead...we whined together.

The three months of torture.Tanggungjawab dakwah entah ke mana.cukup hidupkan diri dengan usrah yang kadang sampai half asleep. sesat berjam-jam.gaduh sebab putus konvoi.

Intro mengarut.

Sebenarnya.

Aku rindu berlari berkejar tak cukup masa.

Aku rindu kena sound dalam usrah.

Aku rindu gaduh dengan geng kuda time sesat.

Aku rindu bawak kereta gila-gila gara-gara lambat pergi program.

Aku rasa macam tengah futur.

T____T

Decisions

181313

this week..it is all about making decisions.

be it big or small.

Not many which I have met throughout 23 years of living anticipating the idea of "deciding" on something. We always had that small fight even to decide where to eat and what to eat. Always, most of us will just follow the majority says. It is not a bad thing thou because in certain occasion, this life event develop a tolerate person. It never been easy to attend the need of different tummy.^_~V. However, it had always bothered me as I think the habit of "following" to a certain extent will influence us in making bigger decisions in life. And as I deeply reflect, I knew that it had influenced my decision making skills.

when I have to decide over things but weakly stay firm over the decision.



constantly deciding on things make you think deep...and reflective over every single decision.


Ain't it? Sometimes, or is it most of the time the thought of " What will people say?" hit me first before " Will it be for Allah sake?" came. Deep sigh. It is really easy for one to play tricks on our weak heart. We decided on doing something good but we decided on not doing it because we think of what people will say. OR. doing things because we want that little bit of sugarly-praises which flutter our heart.

****************

and to be contented over the decisions I have made.

always the hardest part.


and to be torn apart over wrong turn that i took.

sumpah.

kadang rasa otak selirat terbelit-belit.

kadang rasa...ak malas nak pikir.

tapi Allah nak ajar aku satu.

Niat.
mungkin niat aku salah.terpesong mana-mana.lupa nak betulkan along the way.

Usahalah.
selagi boleh usaha.

Hati.
banyak yg kena jaga.when decisions have to be made.there are things that should be taken into consideration.

and at times...after I have decided.and plan.He changed the plot.

tarbiyah.

reminder.

indeed He is the best planner.

La Tahzan.Innallahama'ana