squeee the lemon...make it as lemon juice.suck it all.Allah is forever wit you.

Monday, October 22, 2012



Trying to stay awake after subuh and flipping through facebook...and my eyes stop at one of the pictures.

A deep sigh...sad...mad?

I don't know.


Weak...for not being able to stop things and correct 'em.

Weak...for your words not to be taken into actions.

Weak...for not being able to pull you,we us together to Jannah

Mata masuk habuk.
From afar...I can just pray for you.looking at myself with so much imperfections, probably that hinders the good words from reaching you.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

The 2+2 years...

Its the second year...for me to realize the meaning of living.
So...lets say it is my second birthday.



zasss...kepala laju jer pusing tengok makhluk mana yang berani hempuk aku dengan bag.
asbestos sungguh.

woittt...agak2 la.pantang men cepuk-cepuk aci redah ni

heeee...ko ni.rilek la.kata bday harini.da 22 kot...tua dah weyh.

aku diam...dah 22.calculator otak laju mengira.harini..22 years old.T_______T.rase mcam baru smalam baling kasut dekat budak laki zaman skolah rendah.baru smalam jugak rase lompat pagar sekolah semata-mata nak beli kuih manja belakang pagar sekolah.that...was wayyyy before.keluhan berat x semena-mena aku lepaskan.

Nurin membetulkan duduk sebelah aku...flip bag hitam merah Nurin ak jeling sekilas.Weyh...kau kenapa?ribut tak hujan tak...mendung semacam.nak ribut petir dah aku tengok.

nafas aku tarik dalam...kepala aku pusing, mengadap Nurin." Ko tak rasa twenty two years of living is really long...and to think about it.I did nothing much in life.Something that can secure me a place in Jannah at least.22 years is not a mark of victory to be able to live up till now...but a reminder that am closer to death.and it is a scary fact.yes?

Nurin diam...when she speaks with that tone.she knows that it is not a time for stupid jokes.


And that was just another rant...thinking of having it longer but brain just cant compute to write in Malay and rojak language...I might get sue because of it.hahaha

knowing that 14th of October  is the birth date for one of the most respected man..Imam Syahid Hassan Al-Banna...knew this last year when I was doing some reading and some "islamic" rambling with my bro.this knocked me.to remember that everytime I celebrate my birthday, there is someone, who was born on the same date have done so much for the ummah.and where did I stand.what did I do.wheauu.hence,being grateful for 22 years of living and reflecting.

deep sigh...(-_-'')

Sunday, September 16, 2012


Just when the assignments start to pile up on the desk...
Here I am ranting something that probably I will forget.

two months to go...and dear heart starts to think about the fact of leaving brisbane..and one of it is to let go of the kids at KAFA. its just different feeling...when you are trying so hard to get them to be the best of the best generation.who knows about Islam.who proud to be Muslims.and you have to let them go.

Not wanting them to be like "us"?
watching them...innocently asking us how to tell their teacher that they can't hold hand with boys
when we are preaching them its wrong to touch other genders
Have we ever care to tell this to other kids back home?
I would say we miss this minor point
and they grow up being so carefree in socializing
who to blame?just look in the mirror and we will get a clear answer.

Dare to say...been there.done that.
Pray out of ritual...wear what desired.rasa chantek.heh..
and to think it is cool?

whatever it is...
I know that there are thousands of kids in Malaysia
and its the matter of choice for us to pick
to be blame for not teaching them to be a Muslim
or to get rewarded for helping them to be a better one
Its always the matter of choice...

wallahualam...a reminder for self..remember that Allah has His plan.#convincing myself being teacher is one source of pahala.even if you feel awkward to be standing in front and teach.^^

Dear to heart


All the peace and blessing from Him...
Thanking Him for every single breath that we take...have we?

This short entry...for my ol'skul mate
The one who always be there through thick and thin
You know I love you because of Allah didn't you...

Its your 22nd birthday
Old enough...haha.am younger thou.=P

Let the 22 years onwards be better than previous years
Let all the silly things passed by because the past doesnt define who you are today,
But the pasts were there just for you to look back sometimes...
reminder for not repeating the old same mistakes...

I am wishing you all the blessing from Him for years to come
May our friendship last sampai syurga
May we both change for better person
May we both run,dance,speed,and drift for our ambition
and be successful here...and also hereafter

Be strong because I know you are strong
Smile regardless all the hardship coming through
As He knows better
And he knows you can endure it well..

There will always be rainbow after rain...and surely Allah is always there for you.
worry not..^^

Its a long way ahead...and am not sure till when will we share the laugh and tears
But lets make every little seconds count.:')

love from land down under...^^.<3 br="br">

Sunday, September 2, 2012



back from friend's open house.and just not feel right to keep it to myself and not spilling it out.so i choose this blog.for me to rant.

One of my mates remind me that everything outside is determine by whats inside.yes!that tiny muscle in ones body, but its like the main controller for the Xbox.it controls everything.for you to lose or to win in this endless fight on dunya and for what you can bring to the day of judgement.*sigh*

"Its easy to look pious, but its not easy to act pious"

True indeed, you put long hijab and jubah,people will start calling you ustazah.=.="..easy pitsy to cheat on human eyes. I am not saying this to say that those who are trying to change their outside appearance as being hypocrite, because you have to for the sake of Allah.my point is, when we tried so hard to change our outside appearance, don't leave our heart unattended. Because shaytan, they have no better things to do other than poisoning our hearts with the bad whispers.

I think I have make a u turn by saying all those stuff...

My point is, I cant bear seeing any my hands-on-your-hands or any sort of close contact between two opposite gender without them having any official halal relationship.Just cant help myself to have that tiny whispers in heart.that ad whispers.

and more...for not being able to say a word to stop any of those acts.

for the opposite genders, both of them. its really hard to deal with when we are talking about heart. so, first thing is to avoid it. avoidance...run from it.block it in any way possible.u will have nothing to lose.Allah has a better plan for you and your another half.inshaAllah...

remember...and a constant reminder.

jaded 2311 020912

Thursday, August 30, 2012

You can never give what you don't have

That one line...caught me.

Aku pernah ada kat atas, dan aku jugak pernah ada di bawah. In fact, most of the time I chose to be at the bottom. Entah, aku suka.rasa senang.being on top, with the attention and expectations makes me feel sick.=.="

tapi...never try to be at the bottom always. Sebab kau tahu, dan aku tahu.masing-masing pegang tanggungjawab. I have my own part of telling people, and so do others. 

Tapi what hits me is, the fact that I stop searching. the reason I am not sure either.kadang-kadang manusia boleh jadi complicated when the reality don't even require them to act as one.

The impact is, I have nothing to share with others.Just holding to the principle that you aint saying things that you know bits and pieces of it without practicing it bawak aku to one wits end. Of having nothing to give others. Living a selfish life? I am not sure either.

Ustaz Salam 2337 300812

Its "merdeka" thing tomorrow?

Are we???stop celebrating it since I came here.get the definition of merdeka out of textbook and work for your own independence.lari dari keterikatan tu.will you?

^^.V. Jaded's



This morning...as I scrolled through the Facebook updates...I stumbled upon my senior's post about Mas Afzal.again.reading his blog before.It was just inspiring.there is no word that can describe how much suffering that he had went through.yet...the never ending spirit of him light others life.erti hidup pada memberi?he showed it well...

To be at his place, this little heart of mine.whom whine over small matters,whom disregard learning because I just have no motivation of doing all these.me.i bet this small heart will never grow big with that much of test from Him.I bet Allah loves him,to give him such test.:')

After long silence, Mas Afzal's mom wrote this-heart-melting short post about his son.How he affected others in every way possible. Just by reading this post, I learnt one thing, be the one who enlighten others. Because you never know when will you need to leave this stop, and return to where you belong to.indeed life is short.

So, here today.reflecting on my own self whom often get mad, high tempered homo sapien.the one who doesn't know how to act as "soft spoken"...socially awkward and easily get annoyed with people.heyyyy,you are not living in this world with no purpose.and you don't know when is your end day too.changing...or at least try to change.kick out all those bad habit of yours.change to please Allah because He likes all the good characters.bit by bit...the tiny baby steps are counted.:)

This is one of the curahat...shortened from curahan hati.xD..

QUT Kelvin Grove

1813 300812 room s305

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Life Anecdote #2


To those whom might stumble on this blog...

its the third day of Eid Mubarak.which means Ramadhan had left us for three days already.Hopefully the spirit will last long.ameen.

its the last year for celebrating Ramadhan and also Eid here...in bumi kangaroo and koalas.mixed feeling.how much we have changed...back then,all the stupid-immature-acts seems a good memory to be reminiscing about...a good source of jokes..at least for me.

the modesty of the celebration here...caught my heart. praying at the field.sujud bau rumput fresh...bangun from sujud baju semua lekat rumput.liking it much.can i have that in malaysia too.balik raya with the gang and be proud of telling those mat sallehs what we were doing and seeing their amused faces...my heart just say"yes,we have done our "telling others" part".

in Malaysia, we never care of giving our non muslims friends a story tale about what we are doing as Muslims in our everyday lives.don't lie.we never did.yes,they never ask.but we care less so we keep it to ourselves.jual ikan...sampai satu tubuh bau hanyir ikan.eyhh..=.="

one of my friend, a non muslim friend came all the way from uni to our house.even i wasnt home,attending other friends invitation.my hommies told me that she likes the house very much.and they said, they talked about what raya is...what is fasting...and the stories goes on and on.she likes it.and we have been with her for almost four and a half year...and only know we care to tell.Allah...how ignorance we were back then.

deep down... i envy those who are not good at creating the bond with new people...can talk about almost everything as if they know each other for quite sometimes.because being socially-awkward-me is so hard.blushed all the way when i was surrounded with unknown homo sapien.=.="...it strikes me...everytime a Muslims or non-Muslims sit next to me and i turn into a statue.i should at least tell them something about islam.but i ended up making a silent conversation.wheauuu.

just a rant...just a rant...because i think the research article that am reading right now is so boring.adeiihh...

for all muslims out there...happy 3rd Eid.=)

jaded's 210812 0650 a place down under

taqaballahu minna waminka...ameen.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


And these are just compilation of pictures snapped on my way to work...just a bit of editing and the view is as it is... beautiful and never fail to amaze me everytime I walk through that bridge. (or i might be running and snapping because am late for work...wallah!)

 and I now shall hit bed...good night.^^.V

27th of Rejab


Here I am again...
feel like writing much since there are much time wasted past few hours. a reminder not to keep wasting time? gah...am not sure.this week regardless of the so-called-holiday, the schedule was packed.really packed instead. Racing over from Taringa to the uni, catching bus and train.waited and ran for the last bus and train seems to be pretty normal recently.hahaha...I am pretty much tired but I enjoyed the remaining few months over here. sad thou...me don't want to go back.


I am...=.="...my tiny little heart is not strong enough to endure the "haywired" reality over there.wheauuu.time will tell

I shall stop the ramblings...today is isra' mikraj.and there are so any stories hidden behind this date.and I did dig a little bit about the stories (just a little bit...shame on me).Al Quds...the day of Salahuddin Al Ayubbi take over it and the land was passed to the UMMAH and thats mean Al Quds belongs to us.MUSLIM. and why we are so ignorant by abandoning our sisters and brothers over there? simple answer, we didn't even know what is the meaning of Al Quds to us. yes. "they" put a blind on our eyes and heart well. we didn't able to see the reality and far beyond looking or searching for the reality.*deep sigh*.

I sometimes afraid...to make the little changes.afraid of my own shadow? I don't know. For the time being, I just have to keep searching and reading.Because I know, I have a lot to learn...countless.too many things. and I shall make my move.

Aslih Nafsak Wad'u Ghairak

and it aint easy to pull others when u are crawling,but it is lot more easier when you are running. But again, the efforts count.

another anecdote


hey shabby-dusty blog...^^


I can't thank Allah enough for what He gave me day by day. I should start off by saying that as always an ignorant human being like me are not thankful enough with my every bits of life.*deep sigh*. This is yester-day story but I want it to be one of my life anecdote.life reminder.as a forgetful one.constantly need reminder. There were three things 

1. I was having a great time with the sisters...sharing stories about "our history" and yet the moment is priceless...we laughed, we mad over those people and complaint together how could they do these and that.ain't that sweet..heshhh*wont be saying this in real life thou.=P

2. In the middle, one f my friend whatsapped me and told me a heart-throbbing news.one of my ol'school gang's dad has liver cancer (cancer hati). And we were making stupid jokes when we knew that she was going back before.Haishhh...I almost shed tears when I heard the news.her dad is already at the final stage and the doc said there is nothing left that they could do.Allah hu allah.How Allah loves her that much till He give her such a big test. And she will be facing her final on 21st of June.wheauuu.hey friend, I know you will keep this much to yourself.but the Ben Ten will always be behind you.me and amal spread the news already.stand still because Allah will always be with you.keep faith.and our never-ending doa will be with you.

3. and I make a du'a for Allah to grant this my little wish.and alhamdulillah He grants it.and this reminds me during our prophet moment of grief when he went to tha'if for da'wah and there were not single door left that he didn't knock and yet those people replied by throwing stones until our prophet bleed till his feet.and then he went to a farm and there he make du'a...(I can't remeber exactly the words and I dare not write when am not sure of it) but the gist of it is he asked Allah, did he commit anything wrong until no one there embrace Islam. did you get the point...did you get the point?

As everyone holds different view...for me this sparks me as one should never make bad assumptions when Allah did not grant our prayers because we commit a lot of sins everyday yet we always wish for our du'a to be accepted.shame on us.

Thats pretty much of it...a day full of lesson and reminders.embrace it well.as things change when we change our ways in viewing things.

Sometimes ones calculation of life can be too complicated and sometimes it could be really simple...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Life anecdote#1

Assalamualaikum....may Allah showers everyone with His blessings.

this is really random rambling for me only able to understand..

sometimes words can be misunderstood
even gestures could mean different things
yet forgive and forget are what we are doing
to keep the heart calm and still
one might not realize she crossed the thin line
because sometimes the heart wins over the contemplation
its tiring to keep explaining
because no one will truly understand
we talk,we laugh and we fight
but we never knows when it will all ends
heart might melt over friends
but one should realize it will fade over time
but yet...never fret or fro
because Allah, He is all knowing
u might fall face covered with mud
but stand again and walk ahead
people will laugh because all the dirty face
but when rain comes
all will be washed away.

in short...I miss the time we had together.but endless fight that we have make this tiny little heart scared a lot.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Aseef Jiddan


I would start this entry by apologising for being so hot-tempered gaya gunung berapi yg nak meletup all the time...

Sometimes...there are stuff that others might forsee
And there are times when a homo sapien just cant be patience as they shud be
Thats why we are all weak human being
Nobody is perfect

I keep myself silence
So there wont be any harsh words coming out
Which surely i will regret a lot later
Just so you know...am not mad.far from breaking or cutting off the ukhuwah
But...there is a lot more inside that i need to endure
I need the silence...for awhile

Deepest apology from my behalf

Monday, April 30, 2012

heart ramblings



It has been awhile shabby-dusty-blog...
time envy me much or its just me who constantly failing to keep up with the time..
thought of shutting this down...as this blog pon hidup segan mati tak mahu.
but...it seems to be my last option of escapism 
writes in piece of paper and throw it away
draw what I think crumble it and put them in the bin
walk on the bridge and my heart melts watching sunset
step out from house and watch so cuddly cloud makes me smile
bring my camera and walk around the lake watching itik buat kuak lentang make me sengih x ingat dunia
luar alam I am...but few escapisms for countless times when i couldnt keep up with my own heart battle
hard.enuf said.
this year is really tough.
for heart which cant just settle down.
losing my support system 
for a cold me to cry even they crossed my mind
as tough as i appeared to be.
I just cant keep up.
May Allah bless them for changing me for a better person
owe them big time
my prayers always with you guys.always

looking for the root of the problem...and its really a test from Allah
How much I can endure...how much I could take.
To change for good aint easy.and the three months home affects me in every way possible
came back here crippled here and there
to heal back all the broken parts...take longer time then before
an advise...I am losing my heart.and the journey to find back the heart aint easy
looking for support...so I wont be lost.but paranoid of any attachment makes it a lot more harder.

and at the end...here I am...as blur as I could be.as heartbroken and haywire as I could say.Big hug for those who can endure.and those who cant.because i know.I am a tough creature for anyone to handle with care.wheauuu~

whatever it is...
what is life if it is just plain without any splash of dark colours

jaded's 30042012

I made a promised to myself it will not be about heart ranting...but here I am ranting over stuff.I think nobody cares.peace.^^.V


One strong girl

Distance never separates two hearts that really care,
 for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there.
 But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you,
 I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.. ;)

As icy cold and less responsive i could be at certain period of time
and how much am pushing everyone away
thanks to you for keep knocking on the door
weirdo i am when it comes to heart matters..
and you know it well aite friend

so...i specially dedicate this post for you over there
how hard life hits you
how your heart and my heart berbolak balik each and everytime
remember that Allah is always watching you
when it seems that life is falling apart
try to collect all the small pieces together
put them back and glue dengan gam cap gajah A+++ 
let it shatters because after that only u will get stronger

my deepest apologies
for being so carefree about others
honestly~i am not at my right state of mind
too much too compute and am pulling away
will be back soon enuf..^^.V
looking for a lost heart...corny.haha
but i mean it...struggle.battle.war zone.inside.unexplained.
do take care.
Ingat purpose of life
and never let anything pull you away from that
less useful advice for me yet endless haphazard ranting and comments

jaded's for the one who never left.
u make my life in every way possible.

jaded30042012...while am doraemon like wrapped with comforter and jumper while writing this.hahaha